Romebo and Juliemet
by daenaira
Summary: A ridiculous love story based on the most ridiculous love story of all time.
1. Chapter 1

**My take on the ridiculous love story. Love Shakespeare, but hate Romeo and Juliet. I appreciate his writing, with the iambic pentameter, sonnets, etc. But the plot?**

**Bleh.**

* * *

Chorus

: Yonder scene is laid to waste

Yonder lad to laid is haste

Yonder lass is but thirteen

Yonder man is quite a creep

Yonder, hath, thee, thy, wherefore

Psychotic man with old sores

In fair Vegas do lay love

In Vegas also do doff

All sense, sensibility

It is out of style you see

Although it take but three days

Please observe lest ran away

_Act 1 Scene 1_

_(Enter Tapulets, Schnapps and Grimps)_

**Schnapps**: Ay boy, I am a hardass

And my sword do I carry

Now, say you match mister Schnapps

And to doth death do thy take!

**Grimps**: Small words and bigger mouth, nay

Smaller quite in some else place?

**Schnapps**: Dare you suggest that I lack?

**Grimps**: Lack, sir, I know not your mean.

**Schnapps**: Taste my sword then unworthy upstart!

**Grimps**: Taste? I see. Then I am right.

**Schnapps**: Right? In what sense, please, pray tell.

**Grimps**: In the sense that thou art man

That thou like men like thyself

That woman too soft for thee

And other men hard you seek!

**Schnapp**s: Why, the devil hath your tongue

Or be it but a young fool?

Taste my sword! And death, I mean

I'd like your blood to stain it.

**Grimps**: And, therefore, I obtain it?

**Schnapps**: If surviving and I dead.

**Grimps**: Very well. I shall accept.

**Schnapps**: To the death, insults be damned!

(_They pull swords and begin to duel. Montafues, Romebo and Ben, enter.)_

**Ben**: See, coz, how they fight their own?

Fool against fool, for a sword!

Tapulet and ignorance

They go hand in hand I say.

**Romebo**: I care not about this feud

I care only about love

Or, more lovely, the beauty

Of my fair departed dove!

O Rosalind! Rosalind!

**Ben**: Methinks the truth is this, ay

That you, fair coz, not yet laid.

**Romebo**: In heart, or in soul, or in-

**Ben**: Bed? Yes, you wish to lie down

With your dear "love". Rosalind

You love not, coz, you lust, yes

And you think _she _would be best?

**Romebo**: You know naught, you aren't in love

I had wings that were taken

And flying, I fell, faster

My heart was broken in two

Then more again and again

I'm left with a shattered shell

And no love of which to tell

**Ben**: You lie with the skill of snakes

Or Tapulets, should I say

O Romebo, please shut up

Any more broken hearts and

I shall follow Tapulets

(_Ben points to dueling Tapulets)_

**Schnapps**: Not so light on your feet now!

**Grimps**: And not so heavy either.

**Schnapps**: Eat metal annoying pup!

**Grimps**: No thank you. I'm just dandy.

_(Grimps disarms Schnapps and holds him at sword point)_

**Grimps**: What do you say now, old dog?

**Schnapps**: That I've lived not long enough.

**Grimps**: Pathetic. Just pathetic.

**Schnapps**: Ay, but I'm still alive. No?

**Grimps**: No.

_(Grimps stabs him in the heart, a death blow. Ben shakes head and sighs as Grimps walks away, leaving the body behind and the sword in his belt.)_

**Ben**: Romebo?

_(Turns to find Romebo on ground, sobbing.)_

**Romebo**: Rosalind! O Rosalind!

Wherefore art thou livid chaste?

Just one taste, I ask, just one

Of your rosebud lips and mouth.

**Ben**: More like rosebud lips low…

**Romebo**: Leave me! I want loneliness!

_(Romebo runs off when Ben doesn't move. Ben smacks forehead and mutters.)_

**Ben**: Fifteen and horny, alas

Romebo, the hapless boy

Smack sense into him, they said

Well I tried, can't be denied.

_(Prinz rides up. Livid.)_

**Prinz**: Another body? Really?

When, O when shall all this end?

I am sick of bodies, yes

I am sick of fights also!

O Tapulet! Montafue!

End fighting or I'll end you!

_(Turns to Ben)_

And clean this up, it reeks death!

_(Rides off.)_

**Ben**: It _is_ death, stupid fool Prinz

Pick it up yourself, you prick.

_(Walks off stage.)_

_End Act 1 Scene 1_

If you laughed or understood

A review would be quite good.


	2. Act 1 Scene 2

_A PIVOTAL SCENE, TIS TRUE_

_JUST KIDDING. ENJOY THE NONSENSICAL RAVINGS._

* * *

(Enter Lord Tapulet and London)

Tapulet: How doth proceed to chase me down?

Thou art what, thirty, or more, years?

And yet, thou beseech I give thee

My daughter's hand, she that has not

Seen more than a summer past twelve!

London: And yet, her beauty doth teach the

Summer to weep and wail and cry

In vain, vagrant jealousy. Ay,

How has she seen not more than twelve?

Why, her face alone is summer

And her voice alone is the spring!

She doth teach the seasons to change

For fear that her beauty might have

Surpassed their very own! Therefore

It matter not how many she

Hath seen, one less summer will not

Make much change for dear Juliemet.

Tapulet: Strong words, world weary traveler

But I shan't marry my daughter

To one living twice her lifetime!

Not now, at least, wait a summer

More, or two. Be a patient man

Or I shall see an impatient

Husband, one quick to raise his hand

In anger and in spite. You see?

London: Oh, but she is a flower and-

Tapulet: And one you wish to deflower!

I see it in your hungry eyes

Like a honey bee to honey,

Like a greedy man to his wealth.

Your fingers itch to touch and pry

At flesh before those eager eyes

Your mouth doth purse like a buyer

Who examines the backs on slaves!

I see your intentions clearly

And thus hold my daughter dearly!

London: I only wish that she art glad

Such a pretty face not so sad

And as my bride I think that thee

Would find her happy, guarantee.

Tapulet: Fine. Speak to her at the party.

And if she is agreeable

We will plan the wedding tonight.

If not, thou hast to woo her much

Or be content with refusal.

London: That is all I ask.

_( London exits. Servant walks in.)_

Servant: Oh! Master! Why are you here now?

You are supposed to be with he

That asketh for your daughter's hand

In blissfully wedded marriage.

Tapulet: How now! Even commoners know

Better than I this blasted day.

Hush, fool. I know where I should be.

And the foolish should know where they

Stand also. Ay me, the day drags.

Servant: So very sorry, sir. I am

At your whim. Dost thou need me, sir?

Tapulet: Here is the guest list. Now make haste!

_(Tapulet exits.)_

Servant: Oh, whatever shall I do now!

I cannot read! I cannot write!  
I can barely even speak! Oh,

Woe is me. I am a true fool.

And a true fool I am always.

Wait, is that a learned gentleman?

Or a learned gentlegirl? Maybe.

I see tears and I hear crying

That befits a maid, not a man.

Yet there is the face and body

Of a man beneath those wailings.

I suppose a womanish man

Is as good as any if he read.

_(Enter Romebo and Ben.)_

Ben: Oh, look! It is your Rosalind!

Romebo: Where, where? Where is my Rosalind?

Ben: Oops, just kidding. I saw a hag.

Romebo: You dare compare my love to a hag?

Ben: It got you to cease the crying.

Servant: Sir! Sir! Are you a learned man sir?

Ben: Learned I am. My companion, too.

But me the only man tis true.

Romebo: Rosalind! Rosalind! My love!

Ben: She is pure as a dove. And thus

The tears and the maidenly cries.

What dost thou need of us today?

Servant: Your reading skills. And some ear muffs.

Art his cries as loud as they seem?

Or, pardon, is it only me?

Ben: They are as loud and are as high

I believe an octave more and

Only the mutts will suffer. Now,

What reading skills are so applied?

Servant: Only those that may save my hide.

Ben: Ah, a guest list. For Tapulet?

I see that many are coming

Lords and ladies. Men and women.

Girls, boys, and a mix of the two.

Romebo falls under that one.

The mixture I mean. Hm, I see

That dear Rosalind will attend.

Romebo: Rosalind? Who speaks of my dove?

Ben: Only one who calls her a crow.

Servant: Thank you kind sir! And the best luck

To you both! You are invited

If you so wish as to impose.

Romebo: My love will be in attendance!

My heart leaps at the thought of her!

Come, we must also go to this dance,

And find my true heart's great desire!

Ben: Tap along, you blinded old bat

You know nothing. And I know some.

But if this hath stopped your lovely

Tears, it can't be much a mistake.

Romebo: I knew you would see it my way!

Ben: If only, If only. Come. Haste.

Lighten your shoes and hurried pace.

We shall see the wench, hopefully.

Or sadness be the death of thee.

_(They exit. End scene.)_


End file.
